When I was actively running my dungeon I was asked, in person and via email, by BDSM-inclined men how to make their usually vanilla monogamous wives or girlfriends of some years to dominate them in 24/7 D/s or similar D/s lifestyle relationship models. When I declined they were often bewildered that I didn’t think my intervention would transform their wives into their dream Lifestyle Dom with only a few short lessons focused solely on their own kinks. While I’m sure a good number were simply writing to yank my chain, I’m certain a few were sincere but didn’t think their idea through before going off half-cocked in my inbox asking me to help them cold approach their wife that’s in the dark about their husband’s seeing a dominatrix, if not entirely out of the loop on his kinks.
There’s no dearth of authors and D/s practitioners out there offering books and courses on how to get into FemDom and 24/7 D/s as a couple, but short of being approached by a wife or girlfriend herself for advice or lessons I was generally hesitant to give instruction on how to “make your wife dominate you” for a variety of reasons I will get into below.
1. Do you know how incorporating D/s into your relationship may affect your relationship? You have years of subtle (and not so subtle) power dynamics to unlearn and adjust. You likely have patterns of behavior based on your shared ideas of how a Husband & Wife™ or Boyfriend & Girlfriend™ should behave. No matter what, you’re basically ordering a major remodel on your established relationship, especially if you’ve been closeted about your inclinations. It would be foolish to pretend asking for a D/s relationship is anywhere near as simple as asking your wife to indulge a kink once in a blue moon.
2. Can you separate your fantasies from your shared reality with your spouse? Think about it, and then think about it some more. Think you have a handle on it? Good. Get back to thinking.
Sometimes we can fixate on a fantasy and be tempted to try to change our reality to suit it only to find the fantasy was better off left to our imagination or turns out to require more emotional or physical work than we are able or truly willing to sustain. Your spouse may be receptive to role playing with a little slap and tickle in the bedroom but might not be into the idea of having you as a slave or even may identify strongly with another role outside of dominating you. Your home life may not even be conducive to the kind of dynamic you desire with familial, work and community obligations. There are a lot of variables at play when you want to make a big change in your established relationship like starting a 24/7 or lifestyle D/s dynamic.
Even when all signs point to “Yes!” and a couple feels ready and willing to take the steps necessary to create their own D/s lifestyle dynamic, it takes a lot of work: Honesty, negotiation and re-negotiation and quite a bit of planning.
3. Are you prepared to change your own behavior in every way necessary to achieve your dream D/s dynamic? I received novel-length emails detailing men’s efforts to convince their wives to try their kinks and after some experimentation would ask me for instruction on training their wives to be Dommes, certain all their dreams will come true without serious consideration for their own behavior and habits they would have to change. Your SO, when learning about domination or enslaving submissive men, may not have the same ideas as you for training, punishing and rewarding your real world behavior once in a 24/7 D/s dynamic. Fuck up big and she’s probably not going to want to sensually strap-on fuck your ass while telling you off. Are you really up to changing your behavior to serve her to the best of your ability, or are you only looking out for your own interests and satisfaction?
4. There is no magic antidote or “Come to Jesus” moment that will suddenly make your wife want to dominate you if she does not want to. What you can do is accept that your SO may not be a good candidate as your Dream Dom. If you feel D/s is a part of your life you cannot live without, things may get difficult for you. Deciding your need for D/s is a relationship deal breaker should not be entered into lightly. Is the relationship you already have really worth giving up for a fantasy you have yet to live out or can you put on your big boy pants and maintain the commitments you have already made with your SO? You may have to learn to live without, stick to solo-play, find another outlet through a professional, or with some work, trust and self-awareness you two may come to a compromise.
I won’t say it’s impossible to incorporate D/s into an established vanilla relationship or that you shouldn’t try to start an open and honest dialogue with your spouse or SO about your kinky interests and desire for D/s.Just don’t expect your SO to dive in after you headfirst. You can start to open communication in small bites instead of a confessional style revelation of your BDSM or fetish interests. The book “When Someone You Love is Kinky” is a fairly gentle introduction to kink for uninitiated loved ones, but it isn’t the bible on coming out as kiny. Think of books, websites and courses as conversation starters. I would not recommend just giving books to your partner and then expecting them to be 100% on board with your ideas, you may have to wait for them to adjust to their new knowledge of you and reconcile previously held beliefs about BDSM and what it means to them. You may have some difficult discussions, and rejection is a real possibility.
Building a D/s relationship into an existing relationship will take time, patience and dedication, especially if either or both of you are novices. Do yourself and your partner the courtesy of examining your motivations and attachments to your desired outcome before diving straight into “My Ideal 24/7 D/s Lifestyle”. Even if you don’t get your dream D/s relationship dynamic out of opening up, there’s room for strengthening your bonds through the trust and honesty you extend to your SO.
An excellent place to start if your spouse or SO are receptive to playing is to continuously work on bettering yourself and expanding your knowledge of BDSM practices and philosophies. Build up trust and open communication around the kinks you’ve experimented with together in the past before working your way into D/s power play outside of bedroom romps. You can look into going to FemDom centric workshops and munches together, or get a Kink Academy account if you are not ready or able to attend local BDSM community events.
One example in my life of successful compromise involved a married casual playmate of mine. He and his wife were quite happy with their relationship, home life and sex life outside of a couple specific kinks of his. The married couple were able to come to an agreement on how the husband would be able to meet his D/s and fetish needs while maintaining a relationship model that met everyone’s needs for a number of years before we met. I was impressed with their dynamic and how well they both communicated and respected one another’s needs and boundaries comfortably.