Acts of care and nurturing are generally seen as a feminine attribute, something that was emphasized as a divine calling for women in the Mormon communities I was raised in. My desire to nurture in a D/s setting, to role play with the purpose of creating a soothing ritual and to be trusted to do so is something outside of a desire to be a parent or other needs for caretaking and doing “Good Works”, though much of how I express it is born out of my upbringing. It is a part of me, something that was encouraged and shaped throughout my life and became a different animal when applied to the ways I practice BDSM.
My first foray into domination or topping, outside of chatting with role players, was with an Adult Diaper Lover in 2009. Before I had even dreamed of having a dungeon I had an arrangement with a shut-in to come play babysitter once a month. Over time, that evolved into an afternoon once a week devoted to diapering, dress up and reading Dr. Seuss as Mommy.
My one and only Diaper Lover(DL from here out) had a fondness for frothy crinolines, lace ruffled diaper covers and custom ordered dresses reminiscent of the doll like Daisy Kingdom dresses I had grudgingly worn in my own childhood. Our afternoons were not only a refuge from everyday stresses for my DL but for me as well. There was something about focusing on creating a soothing routine of caring and intimacy built around something as simple as applying baby powder with a puff, fastening long lines of pearl shaped buttons, and arranging rosebud printed puffed sleeves just so that gave us a sense of sanctuary in our shared moments.
It’s hard to find the words to describe how precious it was to create this feeling of emotional safety with one another, of feeling his need for his fantasy routine validated and allowing myself to enjoy feeling trusted and capable. It was not simply the acts of diapering and dressing or the names we used that facilitated our sense of security between us, much of how we played with each other was with one another’s head spaces. Each time we played our moods and preoccupations of that day might come with us. When we began our scenes we would prompt each other within our roles to be present, setting aside our thoughts and feelings that we clung to from the mundane world, and at times we would work through them in scene when appropriate. We shared our secret selves with one another and gave reassurance of our ability to navigate our lives and security in ourselves as a whole.